Thin Dad, Fat Dad: Fast Food

Thin Dad gets annoyed everytime he’s asked if he wants to upsize or add items to his meal. Fat Dad annoys the staff by ordering so much they can't ask.

1.00 of an FTE: Nice Care Package.

Barry couldn't help but wonder what sort of care they were likely to need.

Status Quo Ante: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of Dom.

Stuart just had his favourite merlot stolen by sommelier pirates.
They sent me the following ransom note.

Stuart,

If you ever want to see your wine again, you will agree to the following demands:

1. You will never insult our brethren by asking inane questions like, "What goes good with chicken?"

2. You will never sniff the cork. Pretending you know what you're smelling demeans us both.

3. You will never assume you know enough to read the wine list. Hand it over, do an embarrassed shrug, and do what you're told.

4. You will never try to engage in conversation with your sommelier by using words such as tannin, palate or body. We know you're faking it.

5. We don't arrive at your work and start responding to emails, so don't BYO. Corkage is our way of saying "Screw you."

6. Finally, you will always let the wine breathe, if you continue to wish to do so yourself.

You have until the dessert wine is served to confirm your acceptance of these terms.

Regards,

Pirate #8.

In the end, I just decided to have a beer.

Status Quo Ante: Weekly Favourites

Stuart has learnt that you need to be very sure you’re in a furniture shop before asking to see stool samples.

Stuart just had his favourite merlot stolen by sommelier pirates.

Stuart had his flute stolen temporarily one time at band camp.

Stuart has been arguing with friends all morning about the anatomical correctness of mythical creatures and it seems they’ve come to an imp ass.

Thin Dad, Fat Dad: Buffets

Thin Dad approaches buffets like wine connoisseurs approach the judging table. Fat Dad approaches buffets like nerds approach a new library.

Status Quo Ante: I don't speak armpit.

Stuart was asked to read participants' body language throughout the presentation. He jotted down, 'Fat', 'Squinty' and 'Disproportionately Large Head' respectively.
Body language is a crock. You people can't 'read' me just by looking at me. You think that I'm crossing my arms because I'm disengaged? Maybe I'm cold. Maybe I'm doing it to flex my biceps. Maybe I'm just propping up my man boobs. You don't know, do you? You think I'm lying because I don't make eye contact? Maybe you're just really ugly. You don't know. You think I'm leaning forward because I'm interested in what you're saying? Maybe the chair is really uncomfortable. Maybe I'm flatulent. You just don't know.

You just don't know.

Status Quo Ante: Weekly Favourites

Stuart has a weight-in-gold value of $4.5M.

Stuart is wondering about the day-to-day travel logistics of swagmen with tucker-bags large enough to accommodate a jumbuck.

Stuart was asked to read participants' body language throughout the presentation. He jotted down, 'Fat', 'Squinty' and 'Disproportionately Large Head' respectively.

Stuart has an idea on how to increase the average IQ of his Facebook friends but you aren’t going to like it.

Status Quo Ante: Culinary Clippings

Stuart has found that if you cut your toenails just right, the clippings are indistinguishable from the desiccated coconut on your friend’s lamington.

Life Lesson #22: Never watch Master Chef straight after watching MacGyver.

Status Quo Ante: Weekly Favourites

Stuart is making cutlery out of cloud linings.

Stuart now realises that sugarcoating bad news for diabetics doesn’t help in the long run.

Stuart has found that if you cut your toenails just right, the clippings are indistinguishable from the desiccated coconut on your friend’s lamington.

Stuart accidentally put his hands in the air like he just cared.

Stuart would like everyone who has come into physical contact with him over the last 20 years to give him a call. He has a surprise for you.

Stuart suspects the key to hexes has something to do with a guy called Allen.

Status Quo Ante: I love you all, really.

Stuart just removed all his Facebook friends that are smarter and better looking than he is.
This would be an impossible task. Firstly, I don't really know how smart my Facebook friends are. Well, I have some idea. When they start taking What Colour Aura Do You Have? quizzes or they are joining I Love Holidays fan pages, I tend to make unpleasant assumptions. As to how good looking they are, I really only have people's profile pictures to go by and I'm uncomfortable making decisions based on photos taken a decade ago in flattering light. And yes, I did used to look exactly like Johnny Depp.